Stalking
- The first thing to do when stalking, is to find a worthy and accessible stalkie. Now, if this is your first time stalking, aim low, don’t set yourself up for failure. Yeah it’s a bonus if they look good. But stalking is a skill you must hone. Start small. I recommend going to the mall or the local Dairy Queen and finding some lonely, lost, vulnerable looking sucker. It’s easy prey and it builds up your self-esteem!
- Learn some tips on stalking by reading my daily diary on my many stalking adventures. Here is an excerpt: 10-27-02. I got to the studio early. I had studied the janitor and his schedule. I knew that he went out to take a smoke break at about 8:30 every morning, leaving the door open. So, I hid behind some branches dressed in full camouflage (please see my entry on costumes and disguises) and then snuck in the door when I had an opportunity. I went into the first unlocked door I could find. I knew that Kevin Bacon would be there in a couple of hours to do some voiceovers for a Disney movie. And I was definitely going to meet him this time! So, I proceeded to step 2 of my plan. I had with me in my backpack a full costume and makeup that, when applied, created an almost exact replica of one of the giant worms that was in Tremors. Well, and Tremors 2. Anyway, I got in costume, found a hiding place in the lobby and waited. Finally Kevin arrived with rather feathered hair. I jumped out from behind the potted plant, which I was hiding. But I lost my footing in the worm suit and fell to the ground. So, I decided to go with it. I did the best impersonation I could of the second scene the worm had in Tremors. When I was done I jumped out of the costume and said: “ Do I have to play that gay ass Kevin Bacon game to meet you, or is it just enough that I spent hours dressed like a worm?”
As security escorted me out, I quickly reached out and grabbed some of the Buttons off of Kevin’s shirt. As I was being dragged out the door, still clinging to My worm costume, I screamed and pleaded for Kevin to do the scene in “Footloose” where he was teaching Chris Penn to dance. No dice. I landed in the huge ashtray out front. At least I got some buttons, and I still had my worm suit that I could use for future stalks calling for huge phallic man-eating worms.
Front. Ahh, another successful stalk.
- Sometimes its good to write letters to the person you are or intend to, stalk. If no other purpose, than to scare the hell out of them. If you get lucky and you happen to be stalking someone famous (which I recommend) you may get a photo of them pissing their pants that you can sell to the Enquirer. Then you can retire and move out of your mother’s basement. Since you are new at this, I have included some fill in the blank stalking letters for your use. Until you become a seasoned stalker, I would not recommend that you stray from the script on these. They are tried and true. Here is one sample.
- Letter one: Dear insert name I was the one who moved your keys in your apartment. It was me who left that mysterious cigarette butt in your car. I have been looking through your garbage. I really admire the fact that you almost single-handedly provide financial support to the Budweiser Corporation and Doritos. Glad your pregnancy test was insert answer those over the counter tests sure can be tricky. I’m not stalking you to insert answer , that’s simply too time consuming and I haven’t worn tap shoes in years. However, I have every intention of insert answer until your insert answer is as insert answer as the KKK outfit you have hanging in your closet. I have only two demands. One, stop insert answer it will only lead you on the path to hell and frankly, I don’t want to have to spend eternity there with you. My other demand is that you immediately insert answer I absolutely will not be lenient on this one. You either do it, or I am going to have to come into your insert answer and shave the insert answer
Off of your insert answer AND all 200 of it’s insert answer.
- Now, if you have followed my complete list of directions and you are still not getting the desired results, chances are you are a fucking moron. But just in the off chance that I’m wrong. I highly recommend homicide at this point. If a person can’t be stalked, all they are doing is clouding up the stalking pool. Making it confusing and more difficult for us to do our jobs. Be precise here. I say, if you’re gonna do it, be as dramatic as possible. If you are LUCKY, you will be caught. You will then be sent to jail where a long 10 years of letters addressed to you from stalkers await you. In the case of that ironic state of events, never answer the letters. After all, stalkers can be very
dangerous.
Debbie Kirk
